After months of market research and speculation on its impending launch, Australia’s newest fledgling airline targeting ‘bogans’ has finally announced its name will be ‘Boganaire’.
According to staff at the new airline, ‘Boganaire’ was the number one choice for the airline’s target demographic mostly because “It sounds French and fancy”.
With the motto, “No Root, No Ride,” Boganaire’s (BO) hub will be based on the Gold Coast and initially offer direct connections to all capital cities, with the airline planing to expand internationally in 2018 to the popular hotspots of Phuket and Bali.
Whilst ‘Bogainaire’ was the most popular choice in the poll, it was closely followed by “AIRRSL” which was dropped due to any potential disrespect to returned servicemen, and also because it sounds like “##$#hole.”
The Planes
According to staff, BO will purchase seven decommissioned low cast carrier A320 aircraft. A company spokesperson said the livery will be like “Something fast, slick and fully sick – like you’d see at the Bathurst 1000”.
At this stage Ford, Holden, Supercheap Auto and The Fast and the Furious franchise have all been linked with sponsorship deals.
The planes will be fuelled by regular petrol through Twin V8 Comm engines, and fitted with 17 inch alloy rims and canon exhausts.
Domestic planes will proudly display a bumper sticker with BO’s motto, “No Root, No Ride” on their tail, while the international planes will carry the more worldly, “Australia – Fit in or $#$# off” bumper stickers.
The Cabin Design
Cabin crew model the ‘mullet’ vibe
BO will offer a unique ‘Mullet’ inspired seating configuration with business at the front and party in the back offering 10 business or ‘rich wanker class’seats ‘up the font’, with 160 seats in the back for the ‘Real S’tralians.’
Ikea is reportedly making their long awaited foray into the aviation market, providing ergonomic “Skratchenmekök” seats designed specifically with the bogan flier in mind, allowing passengers plenty of room to adjust themselves or have a quick pash (or other), with room in between seat backs to allow passengers to rest their bare feet on the arm rests in the seat in front of them.
There will be a dunny in the front for the rich wankers, and two portaloos and a plastic tree in the back for real Aussies. In the overhead cabin space, there will be individual eskys for each passenger, as well as a custom sized space to protect a box of a dozen donuts, “because there is nothing more boganaire than rocking up to the airplane with of box of Krispy $#$#ing Kremes.” said a spokesperson for the airline.
The Food and Beverages
Business Class: Passengers are invited to enjoy a complimentary ‘bistro styled’ meal from up and coming ‘Occasionally Inflight Chef/Co-pilot, Gianni Pastrami’ by attending a 45 minute new Gold Coast Apartment Timeshare complex presentation before departure.
Real Australians: On a cash bar basis, boganaire passengers will have access to the following specials menu depending on the day of the week:
Monday: Surf and Turf
Topless Tuesdays and Kids Eat for Free
Wednesday: Parma and Schnitzels
Thursday: Pie and a Pint
Friday: All You Can Eat Chilli
Saturday: $10 Steak with any XXXX purchase (QLD flights only)
Sunday: $12.00 Roast
In addition, there will be a Bunning’s sausage sizzle in the back between the portaloos for rotating charities.
Some popular boganaire favourites will also be offered on the drink menu including soft drinks, energy drinks, UDL’s, VB, and Moscato or Passion Pop by the cask, with Bintang, Tiger and Singha beers available on the international flights.
For the adults, the choice will be the same, but with Blend 43 coffee also available. A slurpee machine will be in the back between the two dunnies and the sausage sizzle.
The In-flight Entertainment
Individual seat back units will be available providing the latest and classic entertainment in the air as well as video pokies and video keno, with TAB access coupled with live access to Sky Racing and Fox Sports. Candy Crush Saga will also be available.
Passengers can choose from an impressive back catalogue of bogan favourites including: Every Adam Sandler movie ever made, The Fast and Furious series, every episode of Home and Away, Today Tonight, and A Current Affair, and kids can choose from The Friday the 13th series, The Scream Series, and 50 Shades of Grey.
In addition, complimentary copies of Who, NW, New Idea, Woman’s Day, Big League, the form guide, the AFL Record, and 100% Home Girls will also be available.
There won’t be any head phones supplied because as airline research showed – “Typical Boganaire mums and dad’s don’t give a rats how loud their entertainment is.”
“If Sheyenne wants to watch Paw Patrol on full volume on her iPad without head phones, Sheyenne is going to watch Paw Patrol on full volume on her iPad without head phones.”.
The Payment options
Clients will be able to pay for their flights using credit cards, debit cards, direct debit, poli, paypal, winning instant scratchies, Fly Buys points, 6 Months Interest Free Loans, Cash Converters “Cashies” cards, Sports Bet Bonus Bets, Centrelink Cheques or as part of a Crisco hamper Package.
Sound like the kind of airline you’d like to fly on? Share your thoughts below.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a KarryOn Comedy article and is obviously satire. It should in no way be taken seriously, unless you want to that is.