The NTIA Awards – just like Flight Centre’s Global Ball, but with 30% less nudity are on 22 July this year, with the race for voting supremacy already on.
The NTIA Awards are an opportunity for us to gather together once a year, get dressed up, pretend to like each other, steal a centrepiece, drink excessively, and listen to a reality TV somebody or another who was nearly famous 3 years ago.
There’s always an amazing buzz on the night, but most importantly; it’s a rare opportunity for our community to connect – normally on tinder and grindr.
Time to celebrate y’all
At some stage though, I believe AFTA needs to get with the times and give collective awards that are unique and important to our industry.
Don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t love going to the NTIA Awards and watching APT scoop up their annual haul of awards? (I’ll tell you who, Scenic).
But I think the NTIA Awards need to embrace what is truly important to the travel industry – mainly vanity, alcohol, fancy dress, social media, scandal, F bombs, our LGBT brothers and sisters, bald men, dancing, free #$#$, gossip, McDonalds and Karryon.
So, without further ado, I, O’Captain propose some different awards for the industries consideration:
The O’Nominations and O’Elections
Nominations and Elections will move on to platforms already widely used in travel, mainly Facebook and Tinder. To nominate any of your friends, please comment below, tag them in a Facebook post, or tweet #karryon #theirname #category #makeocaptaingreatagain.
Everybody receiving at least one vote will be a nominee, so our Facebook pages will be filled with status updates of people who are both “humbled and honoured” that one person voted for them, wait… That already happens.
Please, you can’t use the word “I am humbled” in a Facebook Status ever. Humility and social media go together like denim and denim. Voting takes place on the night, as predetermined awards are as pointless as that plastic wrap people put around their suitcases.
The question is – Why?
Live voting will lead to maximum grovelling and maximum free #$#$ for all attendees, and the travel industry loves free #$#$.
Qantas may even let you take home the centrepieces if you vote for them. Plus the losers can give everybody #$#$$ looks for the rest of the evening, it would be great.
Voting will be Tinder style, right swipe for “yes,” left swipe for “no,” or at least, that’s what my friend tells me, and he’s recently divorced, disease free, and goes to the gym a lot.
The O’fficial O’Awards
1. Best Big Hair – “I like big hair and I can not lie. You other brothers can’t deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty face and a round thing on her head.”
Travel men however, are unworthy of travel women. The ladies look amazing on the night, dressed to the nines, and go to great effort and expense to look as amazing as they do. The men are crusty slobs and wear the same black suit every year. Let’s celebrate our beautiful ladies and acknowledge their efforts.
2. Best Plastic Surgery – You think big hair is expensive, try faces, chins, noses, boobs, and butts. Let’s recognise those that treat their body like a temple. It’s not easy being a Kardashian or a Jenner for that matter.
Personally, I can’t wait to see the expression on the face of the winner. Actually it’s probably not much different from their day-to-day look.
3. Best Travel Industry Couple (Hetero) – A year married in travel is equal to seven years in normal people years, let’s recognise the amazing couples of the industry.
These two are are hard act to follow. But who would win?
4. Best Travel Industry Couple (Gay) – Hopefully next year, we’ll be able to say “married” here as well. A year relationship for a gay couple in travel is equal to seventy years in non-travel hetero years.
Let’s celebrate our amazing LGBT couples (and continue to push our politicians to catch up with Donald Trump’s more forward thinking America, which is very sad when you think about it.)
5. Best Couple (Individual) 🙂
6. Best Tattoo – Actually, a travel tattoo fashions on the field would go down really well.
Got a tattoo that can beat this bad boy?
7. Best Fancy Dress Costume – In fact, forget the black tie, NTIA needs to be fancy dress!
8. Call Centre Person That Sounds Like They Should Work For An Adult Phone Line – Maybe it’s Eleeza that works for The Cruise Team, Maxwell that works for Contiki, or Leigh who is a Flight Centre Mystery Caller.
Either way, what’s wrong with a little fantasy when you’re booking a dream holiday.
9. Mr or Mrs Cock Block Award – Whether they are killing your spadework, launching grenades into a meeting, or basically undoing any good you’ve done, we need to recognise those who just can’t help themselves. Watch this to see the kind of person I mean.
10. The bald men of travel Award – Bald is the new six-pack abs I tell you. Let’s celebrate the bald men of travel. There are a lot of them.
Now that’s a party right there…
11. The How Did They Win That NTIA Award NTIA Award – Would love to say it never happens, but sometimes, you can hear an entire audience think to themselves, “WTF?”
12. Ms Pottymouth Award – Everytime I see her, I drink every time she says the “F-Bomb.” I think she has Tourette’s, I think she thinks I’m an alcoholic.
13. Most BDMy BDM Award – Does the BDM shuffle, waves and greets with two hands, calls everybody “Doll, Love, Mate, Dear, Gorgeous or Lovely,” air kisses and smells of blu-tack and velcro dots.
And that’s before the Singapore Airlines After Party…
14. Biggest Train Wreck in Social Media Profile – Has no boundary between personal and public life, has no filter, has a sickly fauxmance with their industry partners, puts corporate branding on their kids, and never misses an opportunity to big note themselves.
There’s a lot of competition for this one, but I think the frontrunner would have to be this travel industry legend. Do you know this person?
15. He’s got the moves like Jayson, he’s got the moves like Jayson, he’s got the moooooooves like Jayson Award – For the best dancer at the NTIA awards. Named after AFTA CEO Jayson Westbury – Justin Trudeau behind the mike, Justin Timberlake on the dance floor.
16. Smells The Most Like McDonalds Award – I’m not thinking of anyone particularly, and I’m not sure this person even exists, but if somebody in the travel industry smells like McDonald’s, we need to not only acknowledge this person, we need to celebrate this person.