It may just be another day in the office, but here come those five typical travelling a$$hole$ we all have to deal with on a daily basis.
It could be Canberra, it could be India or it could be Bali – it doesn’t matter when you’re travelling. There are at least five types of travelling a$$hole$ you’ll always bump into and this is how to deal with them:
1. The Hostie Hassler
“Why are we delayed again, why aren’t you doing anything about it”
“Well sir, there appears to be an issue with the plane ahead and they are trying to get it out of the way”
“Why hasn’t the captain said anything yet?”
“Because we don’t have an update since he gave you an update 10 minutes ago.”
“It’s not good enough, get me a drink…”
The hostie left and I explained she probably wasn’t the one who was going to get the plane moving. His three mates turned to explain how all Australian airlines are absolutely rubbish and that their national carriers were better. I blew a complimentary pretzel out of my nose.
Sure enough, as I was actually heading to this gentleman’s country of origin, I used his national carrier three times in the next week. Well, I tried to but all three flights were cancelled. Funnier – once we took off he wanted to share his pretzels with me. Go figure.
2. The queue jumper
(nudging forward pretending you are not there)
“Excuse me maam”
(No response)
“I said excuse me maam!!!”
“Yes?”
“What did you think I was doing before you got here? Getting high on plane fumes?”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t notice. No need to be rude”
“Bullshit. Tell your story walking, back of the line for you.”
3. The bias hostie (rare)
Bangalore airport, the flight was a domestic leg which then continued on international. I was the only non-National of either the departure or destination.
As often happens in Bangalore, the line suddenly became 16 people wide trying to get into one check-in line.
“Excuse me sir, back of the line.”
“Why?”
“There is no need to push in.”
“Dude, I didn’t. There are people either side of me. They going back too?”
“No, just you. No-one boards until you go to the back of the line.”
Lots and lots and lots of people smiled and looked down at me. A junior hostie rolled her eyes. I was actually pretty livid but I had a secret weapon.
See, I had booked through a travel agent. For an extra $80 I got upgraded to First Class. Okay, there was no alcohol, the sandwiches were crap and the plane was old – but it was First Class.
Revenge part one – as I boarded he looked at me with a smirk and then I pulled out the ticket. Smirk was replaced by snot and a slight shaking of the hand.
Revenge part two – we landed in Hyderabad, about half the plane stood to get off and push forward. The junior hostie, who had been absolutely lovely stopped everyone else getting off the plane before I did and smiled knowingly. There were a lot of upset people in economy.
I flipped them the bird. God it felt good.
4. Talk to the hand
“Excuse me sir would you like another…”
** hand **
“May I take your or…”
** hand **
“Sir is everything okay with your…”
** hand **
Dude, you may be special, but you are definitely an a$$hole.
5. The loud talker
“I was trying to tell… but all they said was… Seriously, how uncomfortable can it be? They just need to get down and do their job… about 270 yards down the fairway…”
Think Qantas club. Any airport lounge. Anywhere you are travelling. The person who is not there because they are on their phone.
I quite like sitting next to them, pulling out my phone and engaging in the conversation with them like I am with someone else. It’s not the exact conversation, but it is loud though and it can be something like:
“Seriously, 320 yards with just a touch of backspin held on the green. I was having an off day but I sunk the putt.”
“Uncomfortable? You can put the balm on.”
You just need to have kahuna’s and it can be a lot of fun.