O'Captain

After the successful launch of the new airline, ‘Boganaire’, a bogan cruise line will soon follow. Here to run you through all the details is the cruise expert himself, O’Captain.

Introducing, The Seaward Cruise Line. A cruise line explicitly made for Bogans.

The Seaward Cruise Line will launch their first ship, The Strayan Floater in December of 2018, basing their ship out Luggage Point in Brisbane. Embracing the love that bogans have of boat people, the tagline for the cruise line will be: ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’.

 

THE FLEET

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With a vision of rapid expansion, using ‘reimagined’ former ferry ships, Seaward has plans to roll out four additional ships by the end of 2018 with the Sydney based Bondi Cigar; the Hobart based Brown Trout, and the Melbourne based Werribee Trout.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, a ship will run trans-Tasman cruises from Auckland to the Gold Coast, with an on-board immigration department. So within four days of leaving Auckland, Kiwi bogans will arrive on Aussie shores with a resident work visa. That ship will be called, The Kiwi Dream.

Purporting to be family friendly without losing focus on what truly matters to bogans, mainly all inclusive drinks packages at ridiculously low prices, Seaward promotes itself as the most multigenerational cruise line at sea.

“We’ve got newborns, 32 year-old nannas travelling with their mums, and their mum’s mum, and their mum’s mum’s mum, and their mum’s mum’s mum’s mum, and their mum’s mum’s mum’s mum’s mum.”

The Seaward Cruise Line Spokesperson

 

THE DECK

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The livery will see every Seaward vessel have crushed sandies painted on the portside bow and crushed muddies painted on the starboard side bow. In a cruising first, in the stern, there will be a ramp and a garage to allow passengers to travel with their motorcycles and push bikes around the world.

“She’ll have a face like a smashed crab, and an arse you can park a bike in.”

The Seaward Cruise Line Spokesperson

The smoking section of the ship will be limited to public and private space, the non-smoking section which will be “somewhere near the kids club”.

Environmentally minded, The Strayan Floater’s six pools will be naturally heated by urine, and the six Jacuzzis will be heated by “alcohol fuelled passion”.

Not content with just water slides, The Seaward brand managers have identified bogan’s passion for travelling around Australia to see “big plastic things” and have The Big Seaward’s Plastic Park, including recently acquired ‘The Big Banana’, ‘The Big Pineapple’, and ‘The Big Prawn’.

 

CABINS

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With the vision to be “a floating caravan park”, Seaward will sell by cabin rather than by person and try to “fit as many people in as possible”.

The Strayan Floater will have:

12 Unpowered sites (UC)
16 Powered sites (PC)
100 Shitboxes (IS)
100 Shitboxes with Windows (OS)
50 Shitboxes with a Verandah  (BC)
50 CUB Suites (MS)

The CUB Suites will be decked out with everything important for the cashed up bogan from fully sick surround sound stereo system to unlimited porn, big screen TV, unlimited porn, online poker, unlimited porn, hi-speed gaming access and unlimited porn.

“Now cashed up bogans can have the same social ostracism on their holiday that they enjoy in their homes.”

The Seaward Cruise Line Spokesperson

 

DINING

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The traditional cruise line buffet will be called, Sizzla.

The spokesperson described as “nothing like the real Sizzler”, except it will have the same “crappy food and the cheese bread”.

Optional dining will include KFC, Dominos, and Hooters. There’ll also be The Seaward’s signature restaurants: D.F.O.’s, specialising in deep-fried objects; MSG, an all you can eat Asian restaurant; and Basura Blanca,completely bland, spice and Mexican-free Mexican restaurant.

 

SPECIAL MOMENTS AT SEA

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Bogans enjoy any excuse for a piss up, and The Seaward will tap into this passion with some traditional 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th Wedding packages, Footy Team End Of Season Tours, Baby Showers, Divorces, Anniversaries and Birthday Packages.

Also, The Seaward will offer Bogan relevant celebrations packages like: ‘Just got paroled’; ‘Baby ain’t mine’; and ‘We were featured on A Current Affair’s Nightmare Neighbour or Tenant episode’.

 

KIDS CLUB

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Seaward recognises the importance of children to bogans, so in order to give mum and whoever the dad may be a break, Seaward has their famous ‘Chockers’ kids clubs designed specifically for Bogan children in certain age groups.

Baby Bonus – For newborns to one-year-olds
Little Rascals – From one to five-year-olds
No Longer Cute & Forgotten – Five to 11-year-olds
Raisins – 11 to 15-year-olds
Barely Legal –  16 to 18-year-olds
Bubs and Mums – For teenage mums

‘Chockers’ will be a recognised childcare provider, so government rebates can be used and allowing Seaward to offer ‘Parents Travel for Free’ deals for every two bogan kids.

 

ENTERTAINMENT

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Drunk bogans have low standards for entertainment, and The Seaward aims to meet that expectation with three signature shows:

The first Australian Hip Hop Revue at sea called ‘Rap With A Capital C’.
An all-singing, all-dancing, all-dole bludging, audience participation show called ‘Centrelink’s Got Talent’.
And for the kids, ‘Bogans on Ice’, which “will be like Disney on Ice, only instead of Disney Characters it will be bogans. Actually, it will be nothing like Disney on Ice”.

 

BOUTIQUES & SERVICES

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Lowes, Vinnies, Crazy Clarks, Target, Cash Converters, Centrelink, TAB, Tattoo Parlours, Fake Tan Salon, Teeth Whitening, Plastic Surgery and the Happy Ending Day Spa.

 

SPECIAL LAUNCH

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To commemorate the launch of The Seaward Cruise Line, The Bradford Exchange have created limited edition commemorative plates and spoons. The Bradford Exchange, providing collectable gifts for bogan nannas for generations.

 

Would anyone you know book a cruise on The Seaward Cruise Line?