When you travel by plane a lot, you certainly learn a lot of life lessons. O’Captain knows this all too well and here he shares the hilarious lessons he has learned one flight at a time.
1. What Matters The Most: It doesn’t matter who you are, or how much money you make, or what your job is, or how good of a person you are, what really matters is that you’re in 1A, really #$#$ everybody else, you’re in 1A.
2. You get what you pay for: And if it sounds too good to be true, it flippin’ is.
3. The watch maketh the man—or at least that is what inflight magazines want you to think.
4. Treat others like you wish to be treated–except for people sitting in front of you who recline their seat, and in that case, kick the #$#$ out of the seat of others.
5. If your meal selection isn’t available– #$#$ you!
6. Middle seat gets the armrests
7. A stitch in time saves nine. People know they are getting on a plane. But it isn’t until they are boarding and getting to their seat, with a line of angry #$#$ing people behind them, that they finally think to themselves, for the first time in their #$#$ing lives:
“Oh, looks like a great #$#$ing time to take my coat off and get stuff out of my #$#$ing bag! Look, I could have #$#$ing done this while I was sitting on my #$#$ing #$#$ for the past hour, waiting for boarding to start, but no, now is the perfect time to not only take off my #$#$ing coat, and delicately fold it the #$#$ up, but take a good long #$#$ing inventory of everything in my multi-#$#$ing-pocketed Ted #$#$ing Baker Counterfeit Faux Rat Leather Bag, and get everything I could possibly #$#$ing need for this flight…after some agonizingly #$#$ing long, careful consideration.”
Get your #$#$ together, Australia. Please Qantas, Rex, Virgin and Tiger, please join me in reminding Australians to GTST before every flight.
8. The only things certain in life are death and taxes. And, when you’re in a hurry, the guy in front of you in the airport security screening line will have a pacemaker, and a metal limb, with liquids, aerosols, pocket knives, scissors, and gels in his bag, with steel-tipped boots on his feet, and a Calgary Stampede winner worthy size belt buckle holding his pants up.
9. Remember who made Australia and New Zealand great – Virgin’s decision to allow this group to have access to premium boarding and free access to their lounge was initially met with criticism a few years ago. But now every time I go into the Virgin lounge in Perth, and try to catch a Monday morning flight out of Brisbane, and see Virgin honouring these modern day heroes, I’m glad that Virgin stood by their policy of giving anybody wearing high visibility clothing premium access. Thank you for FIFO’ing our country.
10. Ignorance is a universal language- if it doesn’t look like you can speak English, you can line up in the premium lane and board the #$#$Ing plane whenever the #$#$ you want to.
11. Dress to Impress – The dress code to enter the Qantas Club lounge pretty much rules out anybody flying on Jetstar.
12. Don’t judge a book by its cover – unless that book gets out of its seat before the fasten seat belt sign goes off, and in that case, that book is an ##$hole.
13. Other cultures aren’t bad, just different – unless other cultures are on a red-eye from Bali and don’t wear deodorant and shoes, and in that case, other cultures are bad.
14. Prayer is the answer – all it takes is a bottle of duty free to convert the “prayer lounge” into a “premium lounge.” You can tell people you are getting spiritual, and worshipping the holy trinity of “Jack, Johnny and Jim.” And just in case they say that’s not the holy trinity, you can tell them that you are open to other views, and quite happy to interchange any of these with “Jose” or “Jerry the sailor.”
Alan Joyce and Captain Passerine arrive in Sydney
15. Always Back Yourself. A few years ago, there were many calls for Qantas CEO Alan Joyce to be sacked. Now, Qantas is turning a profit, have inflight internet, and their customer service has never been better. Alan is one of the first and highest profile executives to support marriage equality and is giving me a lifetime membership to the Chairman’s Lounge.
Well done, Mr. Joyce and Qantas, well done.