O’Captain is back and this week he is dishing out some valuable advice for the upcoming Flight Centre Global Ball in Singapore like tightening up your privacy settings on social media…
Here’s his top tips to remember… (Or not at your peril).
1. Follow The Mother ##$@ers – The more a person sound likes like Samuel L. Jackson, the higher up they are in the Flight Centre hierarchy.
2. Go to the gym or go for a run – It’s no big secret that some of Flight Centre’s finest are some of Flight Centre’s fittest (Except for that one guy). If you want to impress the power brokers of Flight Centre, use the gym regularly during the global ball, or do laps around the Marina Bay Sands. If you really want to impress the Flight Centre power brokers, yell out, “Good job, Mother##$@ers,” as you run past them.
3. Know the topics of discussion to use around the Global SWOT Team — Study up on cycling, touch footy, running, bonsai, wine, shopping, veterinary science, Selling with Noble Purpose, rum, Europe, bourbon, and Kenny Koala, everybody #$#$ing loves Kenny Koala.
4. Own The Dragon’s Den – If you have a great idea that will increase profits, cut costs, improve service, or improve morale, this innovative and progressive company allow you to share your idea in front of the global leaders and global achievers. Nobody has ever talked about painting the stores pink instead of red and white. This would cut labour, cut paint costs, and create brand distinction.
5. Area leaders, General Managers, and Insurance Executives are your key to free drinks at the after parties. They’ve got their gold Amex Cards and they bring them out. Adventure Travel Executives are pretty much useless when it comes to buying drinks, but in terms of drinking drinks, they are the best.
6. Play the Mother##$@er Drinking Game – Every time somebody says “Mother##$@er” you’ve got to drink.
Identify the key sponsors in the room by their dance style
GDS System and Insurance Executives dance like this;
Airline executives dance like this;
Adventure and Youth Operator executives dance like this;
The lady executives of the Travel Corporation, APT, and Scenic dance like this;
Cruise Line executives dance like this;
Top 10 things to do in Singapore
1. Spit
2. Sell Chewing Gum
3. Urinate in the Elevator
4. Have same sex sex
5. Disturb people with a musical instrument
6. Sing raunchy songs
7. Be in possession of illegal drugs
8. Jean on Jeans
9. Forget to flush the toilet
10. Fly a kite that interferes with public traffic
…If You Want To Get Fined, Executed or Arrested…by the fashion police
– Short Sleeved Business Shirts Are For Closers. There’s only one guy that is worthy of short sleeved business shirts, and you’re not that guy.
– Global is a marathon, not a sprint—There are those who have not made it past the airport or airport jail after the charter flight up. If it’s your first time, make sure it’s not your last time, and don’t write yourself off until Global Ball entertainment comes out (it’s Shannon Noll).
– Tell Captain Flight Centre you loved him in “The Truman Show.”
– Get Piss Fit – With around a month to go, it’s time to begin training. Start off tonight with one Singapore Sling, and add one more each night until you’re downing about 20 at your state ball, and then start tapering off. To prepare for sleep deprivation, pull one all-nighter this week, two next week, three the following etc. Fall asleep on public transport/Jetstar or a rock concert in a tuxedo or ball gown at least once a week.
– Talk to Flight Centre Non-Executive Director John Eales
– Tell him how you could have played for the Wallabies hadn’t it been for an injury
– Tell him how bad the Wallabies are compared to the AB’s
– Tell him your plan to turnaround Australia or Queensland Rugby
– Don’t turn up to the Friday night party looking like you’re going to Stereosonic.
– If there’s fancy dress, dress fancy, or stay home and go to the ##$#ing NTIA Awards. Flight Centre take their fancy dress very seriously.
– Don’t use the FCTG Global App like you would Tinder or Grindr. And normally I don’t like to throw somebody under the bus, but stay away from @bettedaviseyes. She’ll tease you. She’ll unease you. All the better just to please you. She’s precocious, and she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush.
– What goes on tour, stays on tour.
– If you’re in a good relationship, ensure your privacy settings on social media don’t allow for unflattering or questionable photos to be posted on your profile without your permission. All it takes is a photo of you in an awkward position with a goat, and it can cost you your reputation, your job, your marriage, ATAS accreditation, your SKAL membership, etc., believe you me, I know. If you’re in a bad relationship, #%$% them off, go to Global and celebrate, and get involved in another bad relationship for another year. The next Global is just a year away (It’s in Cuba).
– Don’t fall off of the stage.
– Global toilets are unisex, gender undefined, LGBT friendly, open to all abilities and various level of sobriety. If you have issues with sharing a toilet with the men and women from this amazing global community, then maybe Global is not for you.