Q: What’s the best thing a pilot can do or say when four engines on an aircraft aren’t operating, passengers are freaking out and dooms day seems like it’s fast approaching?

A: The pilot can try to turn all those panicked faces into smiles with a damn good, yet reassuring comment.

If you’re fortunate enough to fly regularly, then you’ve probably come across a couple of jokesters in the cockpit who like to use the PA system as their inflight comedy microphone to create a fun, positive environment in the air. That, or their just doing it to see if anyone actually pays attention to their announcements.

Either way, we love it and so do social media users who recently turned to Quora.com to share the funniest/craziest/coolest things they’ve heard pilots say. Here are just a few:


After some rough turbulence…


“My bad, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I was distracted while applying lipstick in the rear view mirror.”


And even more turbulence…


“Woah! That was pretty rough, huh. A good day to wear that push-up bra, isn’t it ladies?”


When there’s only one passenger on board…


“Welcome to the Doug Massey Private Airline. We hope you enjoy your flight to Burlington — after we’ve reached the cruising altitude, I’ll turn off the seat belt sign and encourage you to try all the other seats in the cabin and let us know which one you like best.”


When they’re told to land in really rough weather…


“Welcome to Reno. And thank you for flying United, the airline with guts!”


And when they make a kick ass landing, in really rough weather…


“This is the captain speaking. And now you know why they pay me the big bucks.”


When people aren’t behaving during disembarkation…


“Please have patience and leave in an orderly manner, those who wont, I will take them back to Kolkata.”


When they’re about done dealing with ground staff…


“Apologies for the delay ladies and gentlemen, but these fucking idiots have forgotten to bring the steps out AGAIN.”


And when they’re about done with passengers…


“Ladies and gentlemen, would you please take your seats. I can’t see to back up!”

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What’s the funniest/craziest thing you’ve heard a pilot say?