“Ladies and gentleman, Flight Air Jetways 3245 will be ready for on time boarding at 11:45 at gate 4. Can the man in the red shirt please sit down, that’s 15 minutes away. All of you, just because he stood up does not mean… can you all stop lining up please.

Ok, whatevs, lets call it like it is. Families with children may now begin boarding. Having your 25-year-old son with you who still can’t wipe his own bum does not qualify you. Throwing a childish tantrum will earn some sympathy from other passengers.

This is now a general boarding announcement. If a small minority could line up orderly with the rest of you approaching from the sides waving tickets and yelling would be expected. At no stage should there be less than five hands and tickets in my personal space at any time.

When pushing in, do not make eye contact with the person next to you. Feign indifference to their presence and make no allowances for their age or physical condition. At no stage leave a gap between yourself and the person in front of you.

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On today’s flight we have some westerners among us.  They are the ones frantically gripping their stomachs; they ate the salad in the in flight lounge and forgot their lomotil. (Laughing) Suddenly the long multi layered traditional outfits make sense.

Alternate between giving them intense, empty stares mixed with heart melting smiles and gentle waggles of your head we know they love. This should ensure they continue to see India as a complex, confusing and multi layered country.

As a courtesy to our flight attendants, please treat them somewhere between indifference and incredible rudeness, depending on your pumped up opinion of yourself. Remember to smile when the westerner gives you a WTF look; business as usual.

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If today’s flight is delayed, we were responsible for the inclement weather over the Indian Ocean and our new stewardess conjured the lightning which blew out the fuse that caused the late on time departure of our flight.

Please turn all mobile phones off unless you are in the Business Class cabin. Your social standing is more important than safety. I’m not losing my job enforcing a BS rule which is about ensuring you watch the safety announcement when we all know you will ignore me anyway. I am worthless in your eyes, who are we kidding. But please do suck up like a Dyson if you need something and we can be best friends.

During the flight we will require at least one obstinate flyer to attempt on multiple occasions to sneak into the business class cabin. You must argue the seat is empty and going to waste.  Business class passengers, please apply the icy stare you kept for the westerners earlier.

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Meals are now being served. If you did not previously request a special meal, do tell our cabin staff how special you are and why you deserve it. Argue passionately and seemingly without making any progress, yell a bit more then ignore our cabin staff and eat the nuclear spiced dahl and roti bread. We may have spat in a number of serves in anticipation of you being a prick.

Upon landing, please ensure you are jostling towards the front of the aircraft long before it has stopped taxiing. This will ensure you to reach your destination sooner than anyone else.

Your baggage will be waiting for you at carousel 4. Jostling for position begins only once the conveyer begins moving. At no stage should there be daylight between yourself and the people near you and again ensure no eye contact is made.”

Thank you once again for Flying Air Jetways.”

What’s the oddest flyer behaviour you’ve ever witnessed?

IMPORTANT NOTE: This is a Comedy article and is obviously satire. It should in no way be taken seriously, unless you want to that is.