Last week they confirmed the things we love are killing us. Still time for bacon rewards.
Just don’t ask me if I enjoyed my cup Day, especially as the sky is crystal clear and blue and I’m also not scoring any home brownie points by being here but someone drew the short straw.
So don’t expect hard hitting writing this week.
I can also see people getting fatigued around me. Not only my team but agents who are starting to think of 10 AM Christmas morning when it’s all over for another year and a few days to recover. They are possibly thinking of ham on toast and too much food.
So how do we keep them motivated to the end of the year? A little bit of tongue in cheek for you…
Kill them slowly whilst laughing an evil laugh
Buy them some coffee, a bacon and egg sandwich, a bowl of white sugar on the side because as of last week, more of the things that we love will kill us. Wash this all down with vodka. And some lard.
Use it as a chance to say at various times through the year you wanted to kill them all and so you are doing it slowly and surely, just like an insurance policy, planning ahead for their future. Like arsenic but better tasting.
Don’t start with something like ‘Reviewing your environment: what are your true engagement and motivation levels’
You will know you’ve built the right team if they throw things at you when you say stuff like this.
Mostly because no one really knows what that means. “Hmm, motivation is at a 4, I need you all running at 7, my god your engagement factorial is at a 4c…call my shamanic healer…”
How about just understanding you have staff who are human, some of which have children, have some fun, maybe buy them an extra coffee. If they are really annoying you, get them a bacon and egg sandwich as well. Think ahead. It’s a reward which keeps on giving.
Get feedback, plan 2016
“Plan now? Strategise for 2016? Surely you are taking the piss…”
That is a manager’s role, not a staff role. But if you find a staff member who is asking you whether room for improvement is next year and what you can do to help them, give them a pay rise. They are worth keeping.
I am an assistant karate teacher and there is a lovely young man, his dad trains, he’s and already very talented. At the end of most classes he comes up and asks me what else he needs to. He is 10 for God sakes and he has already worked out how to be a model employee.
To congratulate him, I give him a pat, the advice he requested, an offer for extra tuition and sent him home with some vodka. Fatty bacon would upset his tummy after a big class.
Downtime equals fun time and team building
Over the past few weeks I’ve visited some struggling offices – good businesses going through quiet times and in some of them is that slight stink of desperation in the air. Managers a bit grumpy and staff are feeling a bit fed up. It will pass but it’s annoying.
Why not just have some fun. Let them see your human side, horse around and then kick them up the arse for being slack. Pin some bacon on the wagyu donkey. A new age fun office favourite.
Give some pampering
It’s probably not appropriate to pull out the fragranced oils and massage table for your retail agency as customers will be wondering how this is going to end… but bring in a masseuse who does some of those sit up at the chair massages.
Customer walks in? Give them a massage. Ensuring that whilst they are letting go of those little moan and groan noises you are subliminally plying them with your brand and business name.
“XYZ travel agency…XYZ travel agency…. Have a bacon and egg sandwich with some vodka…. Would you like a cigarette with that… XYZ travel agency….book now….”