O’Captain is back and this week he lists the mavericks of the industry. (Be sure to end your career and friendships by tagging your workmates and friends ;))
For most of us, travel industry functions are a great opportunity to hang with our mates, make some new friends, drink for free, network, steal the Qantas Centrepieces, celebrate this great industry we work in, drink for free, wear fancy dress, get a selfie with a former Australian Game Show host, drink for free, and watch some young entertainer go straight from “Australia’s Got Talent” to “Australia’s Got a 6.2% Unemployment Rate.”
But there’s a small minority from within our ranks that just don’t fit in, like a guy in a suit on a Friday night Jetstar flight to the Gold Coast.
These pariahs really aren’t that much different from you and me, other than the fact that they’re odd, recluse, lack self-awareness, live in their own reality, and have a Facebook page for their cat.
But diversity is what makes this industry great, and we should celebrate and recognise these outcasts. So, next time you’re at a major industry function, keep an eye out for these lovable larrikins of Australian travel.
Be sure to end your career and friendships by sharing and tagging your workmates and friends…
1. Here Against My Wilma
Wilma turns ups up late with the fresh from work look, very often doesn’t take a seat, and sports a meticulously caked on resting bitch face.
Wilma leaves right after the speeches are done with a chip on her shoulder, a stick up her arse, and a bitter taste in her mouth.
2. Houston We Have A Problem
There’s a time and place for everything, and Houston doesn’t have a clock or map app. Houston comes to “discuss” booking issues, cancellations, denied claims, less commission, etc. with whatever BDM or Manager he can track down.
Last Seen: Yelling at the Cover More BDM about not honouring a claim for a client that didn’t have a policy with them.
3. One Night Stan
You’re not Stan’s first, you’re not Stan’s last, and you’re probably not in Stan’s Top 100. Stan thinks LinkedIn is Tinder for people with tie and pant suit fetishes (and to be honest, I think he’s right).
Usually winds up with DTF Debbie.
4. Hyde
Interesting person by day, person of interest by night. Every state has one, and every one of them has a name for their alter ego. Just add rum and Kindergarten Cop transforms into Terminator or Predator.
5. Beau Tox Version 5.0
Every industry function is a surprise party for Beau’s face. With a body boasting 100% exposure and a face boasting 0% expression, Beau needs to be kept away from open flame.
In the event of a water based evacuation, use Beau as a flotation device, and to attract attention, blow the whistle around Beau’s neck.
6.Val Cro
Hey, look, you’ve made a little friend. Hey, little buddy. For Baby Boomers, she’s a “bunny boiler.” For Gen Xers, she’s a “stage 5 clinger.” For Gen Yers, she’ll be imprinted as a soul mate to your Quiluete shape shifter (Team Edward!).
Your only possible means of escape is introducing Val to One Night Stan or Mr. Hyde and smoke bombing your way out of the function (but she will find you on Facebook, oh yes, she will).
7. Faye Sbook
You know Faye is at the event, because Faye’s been sharing pre-event updates for the last month with you and the 1000 other people that unfollow her through the check-in’s at the fake tanning salon, shared purchase of the teeth whitening deal from Scoopon, and a YouTube video of her getting a Brazilian in preparation for the big event.
8. My team is better than your Tim
Tim just can’t stop competing, and makes it obvious every time he’s around someone from a rival company. Tim just loves volleying mood killers across the table with negative comments about people and their product, much to the amusement of, well, um Tim.
Tim, on behalf of everyone in the industry, “#$#@ off!”
9. The Bald Guy Mafia
They have infiltrated the travel industry and have risen to the top. They’ve grown in numbers and influence, and no one has done a damn thing to stop them.
They are bald, middle-aged, hang around in packs, love a drink, cheeky Facebook updates, a dance, and a photo. They go from zero to smart arse in 3 seconds.
In career terms, they are at their peak, their hair has all but retired, and some of their body functions are being performance managed.
Last Seen: 3 am McDonalds run, breaking glass tables in karaoke bars, hanging out with their trade media doppelgänger.
10. Zoe Mbie and Silent Bob
At some stage in your travel career, you will be sat in between these two people.
Sitting in between these two apparently inspired the invention of noise cancelling headphones. Sure, they are pleasant and harmless, but they can’t say a #$#$%ing word. Someone on the event management team hates you.
11. Kaye P.I.
Kaye can’t tell the difference between a consultation or sales call and a social function. At some stage, during the painful conversation, you half expect Kaye to pull out her laptop, book you in for a morning seminar, and give you a company branded stress ball.
Kaye’s Facebook page is just an extension of her sales call, filled with product plugs, pictures of her hosting agents at events her brand sponsors, and pictures of her cats.
12. Izzy O’Isnthee
The fastest growing population in the travel industry, neither loud and proud, bi, or straight and narrow, but completely sexually ambiguous. Even those who take pride in their “gaydar” are completely baffled by Izzy.
Much to everybody’s disappointment, Izzy generally takes French leave from the event to catch up with his significant other in Lee, or is it Leah?
13. Hugh Stubesomebody
Hugh hasn’t had any clout since his lifetime Golden Wing Lounge Pass became a relic.
Generally, negative about everything and everybody in the industry today, and still debating on whether to update his store with a fax machine. Usually starts off conversations with the likes of “We used to be the number one coach touring store in New South Wales, until…” and then craps on about direct business, this “Google” thing, and his hatred for Flight Centre.
In store, your brochures from 2003 are still proudly displayed. Usually winds up getting cosy with Beau Tox Version 5.0 that he had a few flings with back when she was Version 2.0 and before she had webbed feet.
14. Des Perate
Des just split with his partner. Des is out to make a good impression and wow people and find his next divorce. Thankfully, for all of us, Des is convinced the only way to do this is to put his corporate credit card in for the bar tab.
You see, ever since the GFC, and end of the Smart Cover/Cover More Gold Amex war, it’s schmucks like Des that have kept the free drink gravy train going well into the after party. I hope Des does find the missing piece in his life, but not before getting me a vodka, lime and soda. Viva La Des!
15. P Diddy Read The Invite
Blame it all on his roots, he’ll show up in boots, and ruin your black tie affair. It’s hard to tell if Diddy is going to a formal event or a fancy dress party because his outfit will be completely the same (an untucked shirt with acid washed jeans). As a rule of thumb for Diddy: Black Tie means Tux.
Formal Means Tux to suit and tie. Cocktail means suit no tie.
But smart casual means different things in different cities. In Sydney, it means “business suit,” in Melbourne, it means “fashionable funeral,” and in Brisbane, it means “please wear pants.”
Love O’Captain’s banter in this story? Read his Travel Industry wishes for 2016 here