It’s Friday the 13th. But before you curl up in front of a nice, juicy horror film, reflect for a moment on the very real and present horror in your life: customers.
It should go without saying that most customers are amazing creatures sent from the gods. You don’t work the hours you do (and sacrifice as much as you have) for terrible customers. But, scary customers do exist, and like sand in your swimmers, they’re a necessary evil to get to the good stuff.
Here, we’ve compiled a list of 10 terrifying customer types. If there are any film directors out there, we think we’ve got a series for you.
The Time Eaters
Close up on a ticking clock. It’s 4.55pm. A harried advisor looks worried. We see her look down at a long To Do List. Ping! A reminder about an evening function flashes on her phone. We cut to a door handle. It turns slowly and the door creaks open.
“Hello? We’ve been thinking about going on holiday next year, but don’t know where to go or what we want to do.”
Run. Run now.
The Psychos
Flashback to happier times. In black and white: big smiles and hand shakes. Cut to a dark silhouette of a travel advisor talking to the camera.
“They seemed nice at first. Normal. They even brought their mum in. But oh how they turned.”
The Psychos will attack you personally for things out of your control. They will be mean and condescending and then it will get worse. You do not deserve this.
The ‘I-Know-Better-Than-You’s
Take refuge in the knowledge that in horror movies, those who act like they know everything are usually the first victims.
The Undecided
Close up of a travel advisor’s smiling mouth. We pan up to his eyes. They are blank, devoid of emotion and life. Zoom out to see a couple in front of him perusing brochures for adventure travel, cruises, islands, cities and Antarctica.
Decisions terrify The Undecided. The Undecided terrify you.
The Callers
We zoom in on an old school telephone. It rings. A young, innocent advisor skips to answer. We pan up from her freshly pressed uniform to her bright smile. It fades. It’s them. Again.
Like The Time Eaters, The Callers notoriously suck the lifeblood from you but they do it via phone. They are the reason your skin crawls when the phone rings.
The Impatient
You can never run fast enough. They’re behind every door. You can not escape them. The Impatient: in travel agencies now.
The Threateners
We open on a black and white montage of an angry customer. “I’ll take this to the ombudsman!” “Twitter will hear about this!” And worst of all, “Let me speak to your manager!”
You can recognise a Threatener easily because you’ve seen their face on every local Google review.
The Unreasonable Ones
They want to fly to South Africa via Doha because it’s cheaper. It’s also longer. Much longer. Cut to:
The Children
We open on a travel advisor directing a couple to the correct gate at an airport. Cut to the travel advisor showing them how to lower their plane seat. Then the advisor cutting up their hotel breakfast. Then tucking them into bed.
The travel advisor wakes with a start. It was just a nightmare. Or was it?
The Mercenaries
Close up on a travel advisor turning their closed sign to open. A customer pushes past. In their hands are pages of prices taken direct from airlines and hotels. “Price match this,” they shout.
Mercenaries will suck the knowledge out of you and book direct. Then when it goes pear-shaped, come to you for help.
That all said, once you get to know your customers (what they like, don’t like), there is the opportunity to turn them. Your fabulous service may see them become loyal clients. For others, though, you may just need to cut and run.
